A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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