wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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