i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
