saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
