a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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