I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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