It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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