oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
