Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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