I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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