there's paper in my vomit.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
