I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
