i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize