I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize