ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
