Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
