I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
