After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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