woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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