I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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