I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
