just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
