I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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