My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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