our cab driver is having phone sex.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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