What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
