Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize