I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
So squirting runs in the family.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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