awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just want to make out with him forever
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
