somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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