shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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