can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize