I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
