just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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