No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
did i just pee glitter
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