Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
