I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
