1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize