Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
