If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
