im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
