Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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