upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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