I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
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