She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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