you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
