I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
