I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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