I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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