they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
