You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
