does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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