Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
