good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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