just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
