but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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