Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize