Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
