I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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