you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Randomize
