Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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